Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep.. Are you probably a man or a woman? A.. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q.. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene? Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn’t have the right part?
Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there’s an intruder on your property? Paul Lynde: There’s no better way!
Peter Marshall: In “Alice in Wonderland”, who kept crying “I’m late, I’m late?” Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.
Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, “Every woman I’ve been intimate with in my life has been…” What? Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why? Paul Lynde: They’re so cold!
Peter Marshall: What is a pullet? Paul Lynde: A little show of affection…
Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn’t true. What? Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence…
Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White…was she a blonde or a brunette? Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure…
Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us? Paul Lynde: I don’t know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a “good will mission,” but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place? Paul Lynde: Pat’s room .
Peter Marshall: True or false, cow’s horns are used to make ice cream. Paul Lynde: You mean those weren’t chocolate chips?
(I know these next two are already quoted to death but I just couldn’t resist) Peter Marshall: What are “dual purpose”cattle good for that other cattle aren’t? Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies…but I don’t recommend the cookies!
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Peter Marshall: True or false…research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings. Paul Lynde: It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months…
Peter Marshall: Whose motto is “Do Your Best”? Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter…
Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch? Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on…
Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep. Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels…
Peter Marshall: It used to be called “9-pin.” What’s it called today? Paul Lynde: Foreplay!
Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse? Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.
Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, “We have met the enemy and…” What? Paul Lynde: They are cute.
Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, “Dinah (Shore)’s in top form. I’ve never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a…” A what? Paul Lynde: A headboard.
Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear? Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.
Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer…what? Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.
Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after…what? Paul Lynde: Surgery.
Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul…during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House? Paul Lynde: I’ll say the yo-yo!
Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant? Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!
Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, “Cooking With …” Cooking with what? Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon.
Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia’s Marshall Tito a gift. What was it? Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand”painted tie.
Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover? Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!
Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a striking resemblance to Paul Newman? Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne!
Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What? Paul Lynde: A Christian.
Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa’s west coast. What major body lies off Africa’s east coast? Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.
Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you …” Something you what? Paul Lynde: Purchase.
Peter Marshall: Besides a baton , what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra? Paul Lynde: Oh, arthritis.
Peter Marshall: A woman who is divorced, has a college education, and is nineteen-years-old is more like to have a certain ailment than anybody else. What ailment? Paul Lynde: The heartbreak of psorriasis.
Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold? Paul Lynde: No, but I know it’ll plug a runny nose.
Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel? Paul Lynde: But steel panties don’t turn me on!
Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty? Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice?
Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from? Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero’s comb.
Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called “Number 96” offers audiences something that no American soap opera has. What? Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo.
Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, “It wasn’t easy.” And hubby Richard Burton added, “But we both sleep much better.” They were both talking about the same thing. What? Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms.
Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious? Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.
Peter Marshall: Karen Valentine made her film debut in a film called “Gidget…” Gidget what? Paul Lynde: Gidget Gets Morning Sickness.
Peter Marshall: Paul, why was Patrick Henry hung? Paul Lynde: Heredity.
PM : Paul, when a man falls overboard we yell “man overboard” – what do we yell when a woman falls overboard? – PL “full speed ahead!”
